Endless Parade

Some of life’s greatest mysteries can’t be solved in class. To help you youngins along, here’s a few general nuggets of knowledge for you to file away for when you find out how right we are.

Anyone who tells you, “Enjoy your life now, while you’re young” obviously never did. Anyone who tells you, “You need to think about getting your shit together” obviously spent their youth listening to the advice from that first group.

Lawyers go into law wanting to change the world. By the time they leave law school, they realize they can’t. However, that student loan sure ain’t gonna pay itself.

Crazy women are better in bed, but worse pretty much everywhere else.

If I could give you one piece of advice, it’s that not a single person knows your situation adequately enough to give you sound advice … and you can take that to the bank!

Women don’t want attractive men … they want men other attractive women find attractive.

You can instantly look ten times smarter by repeating after me: “The book was better.”

I’ll be honest … the book is only better if you read it before seeing the movie.

If true happiness is your life goal, avoid any occupation that in any way deals with debt collectors.

If you’re a man, and you’ve just eaten any foods containing hot pepper or hot sauce, do not take a piss before washing your hands.

He who yells the loudest loses his voice.

Shouldn’t the proliferation of the world’s religions throw up a red flag that perhaps all of them are wrong?

The key in life is not to be highly self-aware. That’s a euphemism for narcissism. The key is to be highly aware of how others see you.

You know why the pretty girl didn’t give you her number? Because she gave it to the first 4,993 stumbling idiots who asked her for it … and they all blew it with her, too.

In our country, there is absolutely nothing desirable about being middle-class. Except that it’s what every one of us works toward once we’ve exhausted all other options.

When you first set up Microsoft Outlook, the first setting you should modify is to hide the button that says “Reply All.”

Women want to be talked to like regular people. Men want to be talked to like gods. You only strike out when you get that backwards.

The highest praise one can offer art is that “it’s an accurate visual or audio representation of the human condition.” Therefore, sadly, country music is the pinnacle of the pyramid of art.

You know you’re getting old when you reach the point where you realize that your parents were probably doing the same stupid shit 25 years ago that you’re doing right now.

The physical evolution of athletic conditioning is inversely proportional to the aptitude of the head coach.

The downfall of civilization? Hearing women say “For my first husband, I’d like …” and unconditional love doesn’t crack the Top 50.

Speaking of which … men want to find a wife. Women want to get married. (Ladies, send complaints to youknowimright@seriouslyadmitit.com)

People who move to New York all love it. Coincidentally, native New Yorkers only love New York once they’ve relocated elsewhere.

Phoenix was started by a couple of ex-L.A. residents who thought, “You know what would be great? I love the plastic Hollywood lifestyle, high real estate prices, rampant drug problems and lack of fresh water. What if we could take away the ocean and make it 40 degrees hotter?”

If a woman tells you, “I can’t go out tonight. Colorado State and Nevada are in the third quarter and it’s tied!” Ask her if she’d like some company. If she says “Yes.” Bring some beer … and a diamond the size of your head.

Words that will soon sound like locusts once you hit age 29 or so. “Best practices.” “Next steps.” “Value add.” “Risk mitigation.” “Brainstorm.”

By the end of your 20s, you will become exactly the person you never wished to be at the beginning of them. Worse yet, you’ll be perfectly OK with this.

The internet has made sharing important moments with people very easy. It’s also made discerning other people’s truly important moments increasingly difficult.

Chicago is New York for people who hate New Yorkers. Or, more accurately, Toronto for people who hate Canada.

At 18, you HAD TO go to the bars with the lines out the door and the beyond fire-hazard capacity occupancy. At 28, you prefer it if it’s you, your best friends and the bartender. Everyone else is an asshole.

No matter how bland the content, you can get nearly anyone to click on anything as long as there’s a pretty girl in the picture.