Endless Parade

Another year in the books, and it’s time to put a bow on this biyatch.

Life overall isn’t that much different for us at the dawn of ‘10 (*really? We’ll one day say, “Back in ‘10?” Sounds wrong. So does oh-10.) than it was at the dawn of ‘09 … but let’s proceed with some end of year awards anyway.

Of course, any time you think of us, you think of inside jokes, running gags and zany one-liners. Also: crazy stories. So, we’ve tidied it up by listing them all here and giving you a Top 25 of the best the year had to offer.

Three parts. This is the final installment. The best of and brighest. Ready? OKAY!

25. “Actually, I don’t want to sleep with you.” – Daniel, Greg, Laura, Sabrina

I had a crush on a lovely, elegant woman with a biting wit and bedroom eyes. She baited me and took me under her wing. The more I got to know her, the more I realized she wasn’t in my league. She was crushed to hear me say this because I wouldn’t feed her ego. “But, look at all my perfect features! And don’t even get me started on these tits!” Yeah baby, you’re right. You have perfect features. I guess your star just shone too brightly.

24. “This is John Gorman, and he’s the shit.” - Katy

On July 3, 2009 … a beautiful redhead waltzed (or should I say … stumbled drunkenly) into our life in person for the first time ever. Apparently, numerous texts and facebook messages were enough to convince her that I deserved such an adoring title upon introduction to her circle of friends. The night that followed was magical and gut-busting. It kicked off the greatest 24-hour period of the year in style.

23. “Who’s John? Are you dating him? Are you SURE?” - Red

Yeah, girl, I’m bout to be ALL up on your wall. Nobody in the world spent more quality time with me, despite less actual face time with me, than lil’ miss Red. But with our visible lobbying of flirtatious banter back and forth, the entire western world was able to deduce what the two of us still haven’t yet figured out: apparently, we’re in a relationship … and it’s a damn entertaining one.

22. “Come on Dingus … Finish that glutton!” – Greg, Hannah

After threatening to do so for years, Greg and I finally ventured to Burrito bay to tackle “The Glutton” – a three-pound burrito with enough calories to light the Tri-State area for six months. After taking a mere four days to finish mine, Greg decided it was time to put him and his girlfriend to the ultimate test: a Glutton-Eating contest to see who could finish first. Greg housed his in three minutes, while Hannah took just six. Afterwords, we played some baseball … and there were no winners.

21. “Wait, you call her ‘Trainwreck’ to her face?” - Melissa

Yeah, I do. Melissa is one of the most entertaining and freakishly endearing characters of 2009. She drinks. She curses. She argues. She cries. She drinks. She bangs. She dances. She sings. She saves you from being destroyed at a bar by a girl you have no business being in the same zip code with. She laughs. She makes jokes. She gets people to hate her. She gets people to love her. She’s a man-eater and a mom with a conscience. She’s leftist. Feminist. Wild and crazy. And, yes … she’s a trainwreck, and we wouldn’t have her any other way.

20. “G-GOAT!” - Daniel, Greg, Laura

This year, we met a girl at a classy Allentown backyard party. She’s a valedictorian. A hippie. An overachiever. A hula-hooper. She has great taste in music and movies and even pretends to know a little about sports. She can dance like a stripper, party like a rock star, study like a nerd, play sports like a jock. She knows what she’s doing to you and she knows she’s damn good at it. She’s flirty, kinky, friendly. Her name is Brianne … and she’s the reason the acronym exists. G-Goat: Greatest. Girl. Of. All. Time. (Also has been used to describe a couple other women since.)

19.”Petey My Boy!” - Daniel, Greg, Pete

One time, I answered the phone on a whim in front of people. Pete was on the other line. I just screamed, “Petey my boy!” The name stuck. Now every time I answer the phone, whether there are people around or not, he gets the “Petey My Boy!” treatment. He’s stuck through us through numerous misadventures from bar crawls to lesbian bars to parties to making kissy-faces in Facebook photos. He’s one of us and good man. That’s why he’s my boy, you see.

18. “Now watch this drive.” - Daniel, Greg

During the summer, Daniel, Greg and I would golf (sometimes together, sometimes separately) and tear up Grover Cleveland Municipal like Greg was driving a golf cart. One of our favorite things to say before teeing off was “Now watch this drive”, as the brilliant orator George W. Bush once said after concluding a speech about his foreign policy strategy. It seemed to relax us enough to prevent us from slicing our balls across the street. It soon expanded to relax us before doing a variety of potentially risky things, from talking to girls outside our league to confronting our enemies. If only we all had a little Dubya in us, the world would be a safer place.

17. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” - ALL

I love when people don’t listen. So much so, in fact, that I will rarely repeat a story or statement on cue. And in lieu of repeating, I will often say the quote here to mess with their heads a little bit. Often snarky, but never unwarranted, “I’ll tell you when you’re older” became a catch-all for anyone who missed out on something they shouldn’t have.

16. “I didn’t see you guys there, so I left.” – Daniel, Greg, Pete

Pete, despite his very many assets to his personality, has two glaring quirks: 1.) It’s nearly impossible to get him to hang out. He’s ever elusive. Like the Loch Ness Monster. 2.) He’s notoriously clueless with getting from point A to point B. One day, as we gathered to watch football at Tully’s, both these combined to create one of the great missed opportunity stories of all time. Pete took a 45-minute drive to where we were posted up, looked around the bar and could not find us, and promptly drove all the way back. This isn’t the only time he’s attempted to meet up with us and epic failed. But the quote has been inducted into the canon of awesome, and so it appears here.

15. “Hi, my name is Daniel and I’m a lawyer.” - Daniel

Chicks dig status, and who has more status than a lawyer? On paper, this SEEMS like an inviting pickup line. However, it’s never been successful, and when uttered, it is rarely audible. Now, whenever a beautiful specimen of the fairer sex saunters by, Daniel loves to jokingly mutter it in their direction – with no intention of catching the ear of the lady. It has also spawned the spin-off lines, “Hi, my name is John and I’m a writer” and then the double-switch, “Hi, my name is John and I’m a lawyer” and “Hi, my name is Daniel and I’m a writer.” None of the above have the same ring.

14. “Goodnight mush.” – Katy

Katy and I share a love for the same children’s book. Goodnight Moon. Each of us both find the line “Goodnight mush” hysterical for some odd reason. Maybe because nobody’s actually eaten something called mush. Maybe because no one actually knows what mush is. Maybe because it sounds disgusting. Regardless, this (along with “Beeeee goooooooood” from E.T.”) has become our boiler-plate evening sign-off. And, by extension, our cringe-inducing pet name for each other.

13. “Oh, it’s the juggernaut, bitch!” - Angie, Daniel, Greg, Lizzy, Melissa, Pete

You’ve all seen the Youtube video. Yes, it’s five years old. But we just discovered it this year and showed it to all our friends. And, of course, everyone decided it was endlessly quotable. So quotable, in fact, that it became the nickname for our car and has been applied to Brandon Jacobs, Marion Barber, and probably a host of other people and things.

12. “Who was holding that cup, Michael J. Fox? Now it looks like R. Kelly visited our hotel room.” - Ashley, Red

Ashley and I took a trip to NYC for a wedding, and we met Red for dinner and drinks. Of course, I brought my trusty bottle of Firefly Vodka with me to liven the proceedings … and I made everyone take shots. Naturally, after a few shots (plus some plum wine at the sushi place) I got a little bit shaky. My final shot of Firefly didn’t make it into my mouth. I somehow tossed the cup into the air and spilled it all over the bed on myself. After which, I came up with the name-dropping quote of the year. After which, Red surely must have thought to herself, “I am no longer entertained by you. I see you as one big FLAW.”

11. “Man, you must be the happiest guy in the bar tonight.” - Daniel, Sabrina

On a warm night in May, I piled my friends Sabrina and Wei Wei into the Juggernaut for an evening out at Goodbar. After two drinks, Wei Wei started getting friendly … and then touchy … and then “OH MY GOD AN INSANELY HOT GIRL JUST SHOVED HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AT THE BAR!” And so we went at it. Yes, she had a boyfriend. Soon enough, we stopped to catch our breath. After which, Sabrina says, “My turn” and kissed me and things progressed from there. Soon, I was being passed between them like a blunt in the Mystery Machine. To cap it off, then they kissed EACH OTHER. The bartenders applauded. Strangers asked me, “What’s your secret?” The night ended with Wei Wei passed out in the guest room, and me driving home with a raging hard-on and a smile on both heads. What a beautiful country we live in. What a beautiful life I lead. And Daniel missed it. And he knows it. Because I called him screaming like Jeremy Green.

10.  “I dub thee the Legion of Haters. Go forth and spew hate.” – Adam, Becky, Cedrick, Chris, Clare, Eric, Jeanne, Kate, Kevin, Matt, Matt, Pete

Times were tough in the world of old-school Deadspin commenters. They opened up their doors to Facebookers. The funny was no longer being brought. Yostal waxed poetic of AP History and wedding plans. Every week, Rockabye had a new blog to pimp. In a world … one man … had a vision … a Legion of Haters was formed. All with superhuman drinking abilities. All with superior wit. Any time anything internet-related or otherwise was bothering us, there would be a safe haven, a (not-so) secret society, where men were men and women were men. Where twee and whores could mingle in peace. The Legion of Haters. Hater’s Ball 2009 in Detroit was a drunken rambling mess. Rhett Miller Birthday Bash in Chicago was a beautiful trainwreck. They continue forth into this day: Fighting Peace and Love with a swift one-liner … and plenty of anger.

9. “Push that start time back an hour … we’re operating on LST here.” - Daniel, Greg, Laura

One of our friends, the lovely Laura, has this thing about not being ready on time. Often, we would chillax in her apartment and drink her beer while she started getting ready. This caused us to begin telling her to be ready an hour before we actually wanted to leave, so that we would get to wherever we needed to go on time. Laura Standard Time … or LST … was born. And became a weekend staple.

8. “SIDEBAR!!” - Daniel

You see, because Daniel is a lawyer, and sometimes secrets need to be told, or strategy needs to be discussed, it is important to speak to him in his language. So, “SIDEBAR!!!” became code for “I need to tell you something sort of crucial to the situation at hand, but not everyone else is allowed to hear it.”

7. “OHHHHHHHHHHHHH HERRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” - Daniel, Greg, Laura, Lizzy

Because sometimes when you answer the phone, you just really … REALLY need to sound like Kim Jong Il from Team America: World Police.

6. “When you think you have it figured out who we’re talking about, put your finger on your nose like this. I’ll put my finger on my nose, too, if you’re right.” – Daniel, Ken Jay, Laura, Melissa, Sabrina

On Laura’s birthday, I went out with a group of friends and was immediately put in the crosshairs of a man assassin. She’s disgusting in every way. Sloppy. Ugly. Unintelligent. Slutty. Tactless. Gossipy. Self-centered. Depressed. Anxious. Addict. Gross. Blah. Naturally, she thought I was perfect for her. So she asked me “If we could be more than friends tonight” and I said no. Then she bought me drinks. Then she cornered me and had like a fourth-jaw shoot out at me. So I bit her lip. She liked it. Then I bit it harder and said “if you do that again, I’ll bite it off.” My friend shows up and I let her know what’s happening. “Please, please, please pretend you’re REALLY interested in me” I begged her. She obliged. The gross girl than GRABBED MY FUCKING BALLS AT THE BAR. I tell Melissa, “You need to try harder.” Melissa starts making out with me. THE OTHER GIRL IS STILL GRABBING MY BALLS. Finally, she gets the message, then tries the same act on some Russian mobsters at the other corner of the bar. They were not as diplomatic and they shoved her to the ground. She cried. She got kicked out. She had to be corralled into the car after trying to GRAB ME AND TAKE ME HOME WITH HER, all while screaming “JOHNNNNNN!!!!” WHERE’S JOHN???!?!?!!?! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER!!!!!!!!” Once that finally ended, Melissa and I decide to leave … where she slammed me up against the brick wall and said “I wasn’t just pretending.” Magic ensued. I told this whole story to Ken Jay outside while the girl in question sat inside. I then said the quote in bold above. It took him 15 seconds to figure out who it was. Everyone put their finger on their nose. One of the great inside jokes of all time was in full bloom.

5. “Maybe we can have Robster Craw!” - Daniel, Greg, Laura

Greg loved to say this to me (along with the companion piece, “The fuck’s a Robster Craw?”) for no reason whatsoever. We didn’t eat that much Asian. We didn’t watch Revenge of the Nerds. But every time he said it, I laughed uncontrollably. I eventually started saying it everywhere, including at dinner one night while at Saigon Cafe with Daniel and his mom in response to her question of, “What appetizer would you boys like?” You stay racist, San Diego.

4. “O WE GON DRANK!” - Daniel, Greg, Laura, Sabrina

Used to describe nearly every night out for any celebration whatsoever. Including but not limited to, Laura’s B-Day, Sabrina’s B-Day, My first show at Water Street Landing, July 3, July 4, End of Law School, End of Bar Exam, Passing of the Bar Exam, anytime someone got a new job, My B-Day, Greg’s B-Day, any Mario Karty, Fridays, Saturdays.

3. “It’s so druuuuuuuuuuuuuunk in the D.” - Becky, Daniel, Eric, Jeanne, Karen, Kevin, Melissa, Pete

After already inducting “It’s so cold in the D” into the YouTube video hall of fame, we went out one summer evening with a couple friends and upon returning back home, showed the video to both of them. They died laughing. How could you not? T-Baby is a bonafide STAR. Why did we show them the video? Because we were headed to Detroit the next day to meet up with members of the LOH. We were greeted at 7pm on Friday evening by Tequila shots. During our drunken tour of the D, we kept singing “It’s so coooooooooollllllllllld in the D” and gave out the text of the decade, sent to Daniel, Karen and Melissa … which is what you see above. We didn’t STOP drinking (other than to sleep) until 6am Sunday morning, when we had to drive from Detroit to Buffalo in four hours and 15 minutes to make a show we promised to play at a Yacht Club. When we returned home, we were hazy and incoherent. Everything we had just experienced was just a dream. Or was it? CODA: Karen just a few weeks ago said to Daniel, “Last time we hung out … it was so drunk in the D!” What a beautiful mess.

2. “You don’t need GPS to find the ground!” – Corey, Greg

One night, while out at a particularly rowdy bar, Greg uttered this, along with “It’s gonna get real loud in here once people start hitting the floor.” It was a call to arms. It was a battle cry. It was … in a word … beautiful. This phrase was repeated and retold over and over again. Corey found this phrase to be amongst the most hilarious he’d ever heard … he began to say it too. It’s the quote of the year, ladies and gentlemen … and #2 on this list only to this …

1. “Mmmmmmmmmmmm … delicious … like chocolate cake.” – Daniel, and everyone else to whom I’ve told this story.

I’ll spare you the Tucker Max-like details and skip straight to the crux. A girl in Chicago who thought she was dating me ordered me a chocolate cake that said “smile.” She ordered it on the phone from the bakery at which ANOTHER girl who thought she had been dating me worked. World’s collided. Head exploded. If you want details … I’ll tell this entire story in a separate post. Just note that it was the most coincidental, hysterical, amazing, depressing, flabbergasting, enlightening, entertaining, confusing, confounding and incredible story of the year. This was the Stanford Band Play of coincidental occurrences. I wish I were making this up.

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There was SO MUCH MORE that could have made this list … from Unleashing Hell in December to You’re All Up On My Wall and ON and ON and ON … but we had to stop. We just had to you.

We can’t remember a year quite like 2009. More fun was had with more wonderful people than any year previous. The mean-spirited vulgarities, the late night jam sessions, the all-night phone calls, the friendly encounters, the random make-out sessions, the “Did that REALLY just happen?” moments, all made possible by really just letting it fly and being as unhinged as possible.

We caught lightning in a bottle this year. No way will we ever surpass this on a level of sheer insanity. There were a legitimate 12 weekends that rank in the Top 50 of Best Weekends Ever and many more than were simply great. If you made this list, you were a part of the action and we can’t thank you enough.

If we never write another column, (and we will, and you KNOW we will) we’d like to thank EVERYONE who made this whole year possible. From FF2K9 (Miss Molly) to tonight’s Big Bash … you all did this. I just watched it all and reported on it with a zen-like focus and a feverish work ethic and a surrealist’s sense of humor. We’ll do it differently next year, we may even do it better.

But we will never do it like we did it in 2K9, and there’s something to be said for that.

This is the Endless Parade, after 469,712 words … signing off for the year. Goodnight, and good luck.