Endless Parade

Oh, hey, didn’t see you there. I’ve been crunching some numbers here at the number-crunching factory. It’s something to do before the Adderall wears off and I’m back to merely mortal mental prowess again.

So, while you were busy probably out canoodling with members of the opposite sex – or maybe same sex … I don’t judge – I stayed in and sipped slowly from a simmering hot cocoa while shifting and weaving my way through an Excel spreadsheet.

Endless Parade: Where Nerd Happens.

Based upon the simple Pythagorean Win Percentage formula, which you can honestly try at home and then fancy yourself to be a “sports statistician”, we computed the following order of finish in the NHL. Yup. My time’s as valuable and well-preserved as a roll of paper towels in the back of the house at your local IHOP.

Here’s how we did it:

1. Square goals scored, square goals allowed

2. Divide the square of goals scored into the sum of the square of goals scored and square of goals allowed.

3. Subtract that team’s # of games from 82.

4. Multiply that # by 2.

5. Multiply the # from Step 2 by the # from Step 4.

6. Add that # to the number of points that team’s already accrued.

7. Then we did some really boring shit where we computed each team’s expected number of points for a full season using exclusively Pythagorean win percentage,  added up all the projected points based upon our calculations above, took those two numbers and subtracted them, then divided by the total number of team’s in the league, then used that # as a margin of error (hint, it’s 2 points!), then subtracted each team’s points by that margin of error. WE MAY NEVER GET LAID AGAIN.

8. Finished our whiskey.

We’re going to do this in descending order, to make it more suspenseful. Because lord knows NHL Power Rankings thrust you to the edge of your seat as it is.

Eastern Conference

15. Carolina Hurricanes (54 points)

14. Toronto Maple Leafs (66 points)

13. New York Islanders (70 points)

12. Florida Panthers (73 points)

11. Tampa Bay Lightning (74 points)

10. New York Rangers (79 points)

9. Atlanta Thrashers (80 points)

________________________________

8. Montreal Canadiens (80 points)

7. Philadelphia Flyers (82 points)

6. Ottawa Senators (83 points)

5. Boston Bruins (93 points)

4. Pittsburgh Penguins (98 points)

3. Buffalo Sabres (101 points)

2. Washington Capitals (102 points)

1. New Jersey Devils (111 points)

Western Conference

15. Columbus Blue Jackets (67 points)

14. Edmonton Oilers (67 points)

13. Anaheim Ducks (72 points)

12. St. Louis Blues (74 points)

11. Minnesota Wild (77 points)

10. Dallas Stars (84 points)

9. Detroit Red Wings (89 points)

____________________________

8. Los Angeles Kings (90 points)

7. Nashville Predators (92 points)

6. Colorado Avalanche (92 points)

5. Phoenix Coyotes (95 points)

4. Calgary Flames (98 points)

3. Vancouver Canucks (99 points)

2. San Jose Sharks (109 points)

1. Chicago Blackhawks (114 points)

****************************************

Whew. Quick and painless, right?

Now, some fun-filled facts in a section we like to call …

Some notes:

- Carolina as a whole is less competent than Helen Keller piloting an F-14 through downtown Dubai. And yet, they still won’t be mathematically eliminated before St. Patrick’s Day.

- The distribution of team’s is fairly even, but not incredibly competitive. The seeds will mostly be decided before the last week of the season … which sucks if you enjoy watching regular season hockey in April. Sorry, Canada.

- Ever notice there’s no Canadian teams in Saskatchewan? What’s up with that, Prairie Dawgs? Just thought I’d point out that the term “Flyover Country” ain’t exclusive to the U.S. Apparently it also applies to the Canadian cream-filled center, Russia’s vast exapanse between Moscow and the oil fields, Australia’s middle, the vast northern majority of the Nordic countries and all of South America: because, seriously, we have the Carribean – why would we venture any farther south? For Uruguay? HAHAHAHA

- There’s absolutely no way Washington and Pittsburgh aren’t 1-2 in the East by the end of the season. Bettman won’t have it. Expect some fluky-ness later on in the season.

- A New Jersey / Chicago Stanley Cup final would be 50% awesome, and 50% the Death of Hockey As We Know It. (Yes, that’s the Devils.)

- The Buffalo Sabres will not win their division if Ryan Miller does not come back from the Olympics healthy and energized. Patrick Lalime is made of the same material they use for those breathable cotton track pinneys.

- The Colorado Avalanche and Minnesota Wild are two of the worst names in professional sports. They rank up there with the Utah Jazz.

- Speaking of names, why must Canadian teams use something from the Great White North in their team’s nickname? Canadiens? Maple Leafs? Canucks? Remember the Nordiques? Look … we know where you’re from. It’s like when you cross the border in your Roots hoodie and it’s giant flag plastered all over the front. Would you ever see us calling ourselves the Americans? The Stars and Stripes? The Gringos? The Ugliness? The Hamburglars? Of course you wouldn’t. Closest we got in Hockey is the “Capitals”, and … well, it’s from the Capital. Don’t judge. You have the Senators.

- Just for shits and giggles: The San Jose Sharks won’t win the Stanley Cup this year. I feel safe about that.

- Another bold, steamy prediction: The Flyers are the team most primed for a second-half run.

Finally, remember. It’s just hockey. And this is just writing. This is all supposed to be fun … even when it isn’t. Me – I need to go to bed. It’s like 4:30am and I can’t stay awake forever, despite what this Crystal’s telling me.