I am gigantic fan of the show LOST. I am such a huge fan of it, in fact, that I must capitalize the entire word LOST whenever I mention the show. I just don’t feel as though ‘Lost’ or Lost does the show justice. It’s bigger than quotes or italics. Hell, it’s bigger than bold.

Part of the appeal of LOST is the complex narrative structure that exists, and how each microstruggle between characters is a peace of a much larger, as yet unknown struggle between yet-to-be-revealed major characters. It’s part Greek Mythology, part David Lynch and possibly too much Ayn Rand – as if an actual Ayn Rand book wasn’t already too much.

For example, you know that although the pieces don’t seem to fit as they’re played out on screen, in the end they all make sense, or at least there’s an event that ties most of the nonsense together and makes you say, “Ah ha! Y explains X!” Or X explains Y, or Q explains 17. Or whatever. It’s like Primer, without all the engineering geekery. Oh, and it can be followed by the actual human mind.

And there’s eye candy and progress and regression and paradigm shifts. And there’s love, drama, comedy, adventure and a definite sense of “digging deeper to go farther” or “going farther to dig deeper” where it appears as though the effort of all parties involved – from the writers to the producers to the viewers to the actual characters in the real live narrative that you get what you put in. All that attention to detail, tireless ambition, faith, raw talent and keen awareness of your surroundings will help you ascertain a heightened experience and advance farther in life.

Just like in the real world, in the LOST world seemingly random events, small snippets of detail or people from the past (or, if you fracture your own narrative as I have a habit of doing, people from the future who’ve showed up in your past) make sense and become hugely important and substantial in your present and beyond. It’s what makes the show a work of human drama rather than pure science fiction, because without it – it would most assuredly be that. A sort of Huxley meets Orwell meets Bradbury.

I can tell you the exact date this all stopped happening in my life: May 30, 2008. The narrative stopped. Time began to accelerate while the story never caught fire. The narrative arc of the show ended, the skis are still being pulled by the boat and the shark’s long in the rear view mirror. If the producers had any decency, they’d cancel this show and expose the fraudulent storyline now for what it really is: a series of TV movies, spin-offs and one-off reunion specials disguised as an actual plotline.

Everything has been brought full circle, but nothing has happened since.

Safe to say, we’re lost.

Well, we’ve come to the realization that it is so, and with that we embark on a little something new. It’s time to finally craft a second act – a positively engaging and thoroughly enthralling magnum opus in line with how the first tale of promise, creativity, collapse, redemption and ultimate success (albeit on a limited level, and completely on our own terms and in non-traditional fashion) weaved tirelessly and breathlessly for over a decade.

Because we’re totally tired of waiting. Treading water ain’t the same as swimming, action ain’t the same as motion. It’s one thing to survive, it’s quite another altogether to live. After taking a breather from history and import, we’re back. Celebration time is over. Cashing in on easy rewards and retelling the same stories has finally gotten old.

There’s little wrong in our current state. We could rest on our laurels (hey, we’ve been doing it for nearly two solid years) or we could advance and further our cause. That’d mean we have to find one. Oh, we pretty much did.

Without giving too much away, our next big challenge is going to be just that – a challenge. But it sure beats the ease with which we’ve managed to maintain a comfortable existence. Comfort is for flying first class. The true dance of life comprises all the steps taken to earn that ticket.

And that’s why now, the long pause is over. When the hourglass is drilled into the floor, it makes a lot more sense to race around and beat the sand, rather than attempt to flip the house over. Because, man, I don’t have a big enough forklift for that job, and if I did, I’d probably use it to lift the 800-lb gorilla out of the room, first.

Because once I move that monkey, then I can make way to welcome the real zoo’s entrance.

Maybe even get off this damn island. Nah, forget it, there’s an episode of LOST tomorrow. I should probably watch that instead.

Jason Campbell to the Bills for Donte Whitner and a late-round draft pick.

That’s the headline – and rumor – over at ProFootballTalk. Before you cringe, let me tell you why this makes all the sense in the world.

Campbell’s been on my radar ever since before the ‘09 season, when the Redskins were actively shopping him around and it was rumored he wouldn’t be long in Washington. Watching him play in the ‘09 season, I went from mildly entertaining the idea to outright clamoring for the Bills to pick him up. I know, you’re rolling your eyes. Stop that. Let me tell you why.

J.C. has improved every single year. One of the knocks on Campbell coming out of Auburn was his accuracy. In his four years in Washington, Campbell’s completion percentage has risen from 54 to 60 to 62 to 65. You think the Bills wouldn’t enjoy a quarterback who completes 65% of his passes? Then they wouldn’t enjoy pizza.

But it’s not just accuracy. Look at yards: 1297, 2700, 3245, 3618. The Bills haven’t had a QB pass for 3,600 yards since Drew Bledsoe. How about yards per attempt? 6.3, 6.4, 6.5, 7.1. That figure puts him in the Flacco-Warner-Garrard ballpark. All of whom are a significant upgrade over Trent Edwards (6.4) or Ryan Fitzpatrick (6.3).

He also topped 20 touchdown passes last year for the first time in his career – with, admittedly, 20 – which would instantly be the highest total for a Bills quarterback since Bledsoe again, in 2004. Losman never cracked 20. Neither Trent Edwards and Ryan Fitzpatrick have never topped 11 in their careers. In fact, last season, they combined for 15.

Of course, if you’re a stickler for QB efficiency rating, well … he’s made strides there, too. 76.5, 77.6, 84.3, 86.5 in his four respective seasons. His final rating was a full three points better than Carson Palmer, and six points better than Matt Ryan.

Oh, and he put up last season’s numbers on a team that went four-and-fucking-twelve.

J.C. has a rocket for an arm. Think the big play is dead? Captain Checkdown, allergic to throwing the ball downfield, and Ryan Fitzpatrick’s (who isn’t afraid to air it out) spaghetti arm didn’t complete HALF as many passes for over 15 yards as Campbell. If you want a little excitment in your Sundays (and, really, isn’t that what we watch for?), then it’s time to pull the trigger for a guy who definitely will. You think Lee Evans wouldn’t like to burn down the sidelines once again and have the ball actually reach him?

J.C. is durable. Two straight seasons of starting all 16 games, even behind that swiss-cheese Washington O-Line. Trent Edwards hasn’t even come within a trans-Atlantic flight of that figure in his three years in the league.

Oh, and this was all done on a Washington team more impotent than an 86-year old on Ambien. For as bad as the Buffalo Bills O-Line was last season, the Redskins was actually worse. In fact, they were the worst. Campbell compiled his ‘09 season assortment of slightly-better-than-league-average statistics on a team that couldn’t block, couldn’t run and couldn’t catch. Consider the evidence:

Washington tied Buffalo by using eight different starting offensive lines, allowed the same amount of sacks (and on fewer third-and-longs, where defenses can tee off on a QB), and forced their QB to take off running (which Campbell can also do adequately) twice as often.

And it’s not like Campbell had weapons around him. Clinton Portis missed over half the season with an assortment of injuries, leaving the rock-toting duties to Ladell Betts (yawn), 97 year-old Rock Cartwright and Quinton Ganther. The Bills have Fred Jackson and Marshawn Lynch to help ease the burden.

Campbell put up his stats throwing to Santana Moss (a burner, but not a legit No. 1 receiver), and the ghost of Antwaan Randle-El. Last year, the Bills QB carousel couldn’t make it work with T.O. and Lee “PUT ME ON A CONTENDER PLEASE” Evans. Sure, Chris Cooley is an effective tight end, but he was rarely Campbell’s first read. He attempted more downfield passes (10+ yards in the air) to wide receivers this past year than Edwards has in his entire career.

J.C. Adjusts to new systems well: He’s needed to. Washington’s had two head coaches and four different people calling the plays in his career, and he seems to get better. He’s 28. He can still learn.

But does he win games? In a word … no. If you discount his rookie year (when it comes to wins, you really should, because how often does a rookie QB start on a halfway decent team), his Redskins are 21-27 in the past three seasons. However, in that same stretch, the Bills are 20-28. Oh, and he has seven game-winning fourth-quarter drives. Any guesses as to how many Trent Edwards and Ryan Fitzpatrick have combined? Six.

Detractors will note his 11 fumbles last year, but he only lost three of them – which is really the only fumble stat that counts. Actual, you know, turnovers. Ryan Fitzpatrick lost two in half a season. Not scared.

Drafting a quarterback is a project: You’ve seen the QBs available for the 2010 draft. Is there any one of them that inspires any hope at all of winning and winning now? Sam Bradford and his bum shoulder? Colt McCoy hiding behind that juggernaut Texas team? Tim Tebow’s molasses-slow release and footwork? Jimmy Clausen and his raw skill hiding behind questionable decision-making (WOULD YOU LIKE J.P. LOSMAN, PART DEUX?) This ain’t the year for hitching your star to a wagon pulled by caterpillars. Not when your owner is 91 and its all but assured you’ll be skipping town once he croaks.

Chan Gailey’s ‘run-to-open-up-the-pass’ system minimizes QB mistakes. As a head coach or coordinator, Gailey took Troy Aikman’s concussed corpse to the playoffs twice, got more out of Kordell Stewart than anyone before or since (including the playoffs!), took career trivia-question answer Jay Fiedler to the playoffs and John Elway to his first two Super Bowls. Sure, he was fired as OC of the Chiefs this year before the season even began, but that was only so Scott Pioli could set up the 2001-2008 New England Patriots Western Satellite Branch up in KC. Think Jason Campbell couldn’t turn out something better than 6-10?

In summary: Jason Campbell still hasn’t reached his ceiling, has proven big-play capability, hasn’t missed a game in two seasons (and only three the year before that), is no stranger to adjusting to new offensive schemes, can move around in the pocket and did it all on a team that’s stocked-to-the-grill with has-beens, shoulda-beens, never-will-bes at nearly every other offensive position.

Oh, and he’s a definitive upgrade over anyone the Bills have on their roster.

One more thing, with the thoroughly impressive George Wilson and ball-hawking wunderkind Jairus Byrd on tap for next season, it’s not like we’ll miss Donte Whitner as a league-average backup safety.

There’s your reasoning. You may choose to argue. I’ll be the first to admit, he’s no Drew Brees or even Philip Rivers. But with the O-Line getting a year older (they were the most inexperienced in the NFL last year), and two very good running backs on a run-first system, and a true No. 1 receiving threat, I don’t see any way he regresses this coming season in a Bills uniform.

Your move, Buddy.

Over the past 27 years (or more accurately, 26, since we’re pretty sure we didn’t say much in the delivery room) I’ve had this compulsion – nay, pathology – of inventing my own personal manner-of-speak, often with mixed results.

Some of you find my words, phrases or idioms fairly entertaining. Guaranteed, not as entertaining as I do. For those of you that do (but, alas, mostly for me) here is a semi-definitive list of the key words, concepts and other utterances that for some reason or another have assimilated to my lexicon.

If you’re easily offended by casual racism, sexism or sophomoric humor – or if you’re Canadian – it would be deemed wise if you concluded reading at this point. This column is not for you. (Then again, are ANY of these?)

For the rest of you, we’ve included definitions so in the future, when you hear these, you’re able to follow along. This list is by no means exhaustive, and is presented in alphabetical order, with limited commercial interruption, by Toyota.

#

10 times out of 9 – Something that happens all the time.

1970 Marshall Football team – Something that goes down in flames.

4th Wall – People you’ve met online but not yet in person are said to be “behind the fourth wall.”

A

Amoeba Clique – A social circle whose core members tend to interchange fairly frequently, depending upon the time of day, week or month.

Atlantic City Shopping Spree - Stealing a bunch of shit from a bunch of stores. Takes its name from the ease at which you can steal shot glasses from Boardwalk establishments in AC.
B

Bat Country – middle of nowhere. Earns this moniker from the Hunter S. Thompson book, “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.”

Beat the game (1) – When your stamina with a girl is so impressive, she actually dries up before you can finish.

Beat the game (2) - When you’ve drank so much that by the end of the night, you actually appear to be stone cold sober (yet still drinking).

Boston Kreme - Someone who is black, white and asian
C

California Roll Stop – When you blow a stop sign, but brake just enough to make it look like you put forth some effort.

Cancun – Roxy’s on Main Street in Buffalo.

Canuckistan – Canada

Ceiling fan material - any dress that looks sexy, but due to the high-quality of the girl’s appearance, you imagine it would look sexier thrown over your ceiling fan. Has been generalized to include an assessment of the girl, as well. “She’s ceiling fan material.”

Close the sale – Brospeak for planning to ask a girl, “Would you like to come back to my place?”

Cookie Dough Sport - A disgusting drink that’s inappropriate with other drinks you’ve consumed in an evening. (Ex: A shot of Sambuca after consuming 8-12 Blue Moons.)

Corner of Seventh and Pretense – Any sort of snooty velvet rope-ish establishment in a swanky part of town.

Cranberry Nut Crunch Motherfucking Surprise - Any cereal with so much variance of ingredients that the flavor is impossible to describe. Can also be used as a description for sesnory overload pertaining to Ice Cream, or pot brownies.

Crazy Castle – Drug house, flop house, party house.

D

Deathbox – Bigger, older domestic sedan. (Examples: 80s-90s Buick Century, Pontiac Bonneville, Chevrolet Monte Carlo.)

Digital Detroit - Myspace

Don Juan Valdez – Anyone who, under the influence of stimulants ranging from caffeine to adderall to cocaine, instantly believes they are god’s gift to women.

Donovan McNabb 2-minute drill - A plan of action being approached with no urgency or sense of deadline. Destined for failure.

Doucheasaurus Rex -Not just a douche, but the King Lizard of all douches.

E

Economy Size – Festively plump.

ED – Acronym for Emotional Drunk

eHarmony – A hideously happy couple that won’t leave the restaurant until well after it closes, or squats at a table for upwards of two hours.

Emotional Ejaculation – A narcissistic blog entry which explains how difficult and/or sad and/or boring life has become for the author.

Endless Parade – A litany of mundane tasks, an overwhelming amount of traffic, busywork, propaganda or incompetence.

Ethnic Bingo – Sleeping with as many people from as many different cultural backgrounds as humanly possible.

F

Fuckadoodledoo - Exclamation of surprise, happiness, anger or confusion.

G

G-GOAT – Acronym for Greatest Girl of All Time

God mode – Slang for someone who is in rare form. Someone who brought their A-game, and appears to be either taking care of business with utmost efficiency, or is spouting off uproarious one-liners with great ease and hilarious results. Also, someone who seems to be picking up every girl within in 12 block radius.

Golden Parachute - Having sex with a girl immediately after you dumped her. Either to prove you still can and brag about it, or to gain some sense of artificial “closure.”

Gormanesque – A story so loaded with irony and hyperbole that it seems like an outright lie, even though there’s a marginal shred of truth to it.

GPA – Acronym for Guaranteed Piece of Ass.

Green Pill - Little green Cavalier, Colbalt or G6. (Source: Rob’s 1998 Chevy Cavalier from high school.)

Gus Johnson Moment – A moment absolutely worth getting disproportionately excited about, especially if it truly is worth actually getting excited about.

H

Home Depot – Someone who is more than a tool. More than a toolbox. More than a toolshed. No. He must be the entire Home Fucking Depot.

I

I win. – Brospeak usually utilized late at night after the girl you just finished drunkenly sexing has passed out or gone home, but can also be used in instances including (but not limited to): Any moment where the level of success is way out of character for the achiever, sarcastic remark about an epic night out that brings the house down, and so … so many more.

Impossible Tripod – Any social triangle involving three girls who love each other to death, potentially to the point of crying with each other and grinding each other in clubs, but whenever one of the three is MIA, the other two talk shit about the absentee ad infinitum.

Injury Report – When you’re too hungover from the night before to go out the night after, you’re listed on the football-inspired injury report as either probable, questionable, doubtful or out. “My head is throbbing today. I’m questionable for this evening.”
J

Jellycopter – The one fat chick in a group of thin girls, who hovers over them in social situations and desperately attempts with great futility to lure guys away from said thin friends.

Jerome Brown - The baddest mofo in town. A certain type of cool that is the antithesis of a James Bond. The type of quiet cool that really unleashes itself on nights out. Possibly stoned. Usually crunk.

K

Krispy Kreme - Glazed … Stoned.

L

Lesbianic - An act or activity that illustrates lesbian potential for a presumed heterosexual female.

Level-6 - Extremely drunk. To the point of getting in fights at bars, kicked out of clubs, retrograde amnesia, ferocious mouthiness, etc, etc. Reserved for special occasions only.

Level-7 – Like L6, only blacked out.

LOOG - Acronym for Lefty One-Out Guy. A baseball term transferred over to mean anyone who shows up to a bar or party late and leaves the gathering extremely early. Someone who makes an abbreviated, rare appearance to any social function.

LST – Acronym for Laura Standard Time. Anyone running 30-90 minutes behind. Takes it’s name from the impeccable Laura, who also qualifies as a LOOG.
M

Manster - Half man, half monster. Think Ray Lewis, Brandon Jacobs, Dwight Howard, Ronnie from Jersey Shore. Any physical specimen with whom you would not choose to start beef.

Meeting of the Minds – Cigarette break.

Menopause Wine – Pinot Grigio. If you’re a girl under the age of 45 who drinks this wine. Just stop. If you’re a guy who drinks this wine, turn in your man-card.

Mexican Weekend – Third weekend in April. Takes its name from a three-day long party freshman year of college which involved Tequila, Rum, Corona, Drunken Spanish and unseasonably warm temperatures. Has been celebrated every year since.

Mollie – Skateboarding term. Portmanteau of “Missed” and “Ollie.”

Morgan Freeman Moment – A dramatic achievement like a last day at a job, the day after a breakup with a woman, a graduation, a cripple ditching his wheelchair for the first time. Something that could only be best summed by the voice that could narrate a phone book and give you goosebumps.

Mullet Party / Mullet Bar – An establishment or gathering which attracts society’s upper-crust as well as blue-collar folks, usually with hilarious results. (Examples: Fraternity parties at state schools, Hipster Dives)

N

Never hit on Midnight - A mantra that dictates if a night hasn’t turned out as well as you’ve expected to, it is best to go home due to the high probability that the night can only get worse. Borrowed from the Blackjack term of the same name, instructing players never to hit when showing 12.

NFNY – Acronym for No Fun, Not You. Also used to describe Niagara Falls, New York. Interchangeable.

Nice - Euphemism for Fuck off.

No-hitter – Borrowed from baseball, transferred to imply a prolonged stretch of sexual prowess and dominance (over a period of 3-10 days).

Now watch this drive. – A preliminary warning exclaimed when something you’re about to do could be potentially foolish yet possibly rewarding, extreme examples include talking to a girl who is out of your league or starting a fight with a larger individual. Less extreme examples include asking your boss for a raise or opening a casket.

O

OHHHH HERRRRROOOOO!!! – Common phone greeting.

Or, as I call it, …Tuesday. – When someone tells a wild story, a way to cut them down and elicit a laugh from the group.

P

Pedophile Paradise – Any establishment which frequently serves alcohol to underage patrons.

Perfect 5 – A girl *(usually a good friend) who’d be marriage material if only she was more attractive.

Perfect game – The opposite of waking up on the wrong side of the bed. An unbeatable day when you’re in God Mode from start to finish. No mistakes and no obstacles left hanging.

Photo Credit: Michael J. Fox – An exclamation or caption to a photo taken while out drinking that turns out noticeably blurry, as if the camera were being shaken.

Pink Crayon – Something done unprofessionally, as if you were to write something in “pink crayon.” Takes its name from a time in 6th grade when we filled out a take-home quiz in pink crayon, got a 100, but was given a C+ due to our choice of writing utensil.

Pizzaface Jones - Someone with furiously bad acne.

Play-by-play – Used to describe an instance where someone you know is describing everything they are doing while they are doing it.

Player to be named later – A plan of action when you’re knowing you’ll get laid at the end of the night,  but you’re just not sure by whom.

Playing Cards - Euphemism for having sex. Takes its name from it being the code written on our white board in college when we did not want our roommate to walk in to a sight that cannot be unseen.

Po-9 – Police

R

Rainbow Road - Any stretch of real estate whether indoors or outdoors featuring trippy, brighly colored, or difficult to navigate terrain. Takes its name from the Mario Kart track, which is exponentially crazier and more treacherous than all the other Mario Kart tracks combined.

RealQuickRealFast - Speedy. Can be rapidly repeated for additional emphasis or humorous effect.

Record Scratch – A sudden, awkward, embarassing moment. Takes its name from scenes in movies where someone walks into somewhere (where music is playing, of course) or says something they shouldn’t have. The music then always stops with a record scratch, even if there is no record playing.

S

Sandra Bullock of X – Someone who is overrated, overpaid and can’t carry the ineptitude around them to glory.

Sexilicious – Anything that’s either better than sexy, or better than delicious. So, could be a person or food.

Sidebar – When you absolutely need to talk to someone about something, but you don’t want anyone else in the group you’re with to hear what you’re about to say. Generally utilized to advise someone against doing something foolish, or to provide useful (and potentially inflammatory) information about other people in the group.

Slampig – A fat chick you bang when you absolutely, positively need to have sex but aren’t picky about with whom.

Slumpbuster – A chick you bang of questionable attractiveness when you absolutely, positively need to have sex but haven’t had it in a while … because you’re in a slump.

Snowcaps – Old people. Nomenclature stems from their white hair on top of their heads, like snow on top of a mountain.

Sorostitute - Portmanteau of sorority and prostitute, meaning a slutty sorority sister.

Soup? – Something you say when your selective hearing gives out, and you just want to change the subject.

Sticker Shock – That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you find out a devilishly attractive girl you’ve been eying is tremendously high-maintenance.

Suburban Wife Swap -  A name for the condition explaining the tendency among the affluent in planned communities to cheat on their spouses with each other.

T

Target Demographic – Members of the opposite sex within a certain age, attractiveness, intelligence or status whom you realistically expect to date / marry.

The Feel-Good Hit of the Summer – Slang for a downer of a story told during an otherwise celebratory evening out. (Examples: drunken girl confessing she’s been raped, dead parent or sibling, cancer battle, destitution, holocaust survivor, felony conviction)

The rotting corpse of X - Someone who is way past their prime. Word origin lifted from Bill Simmons.

The Sinning Tree - Proper name for the tree on the hill in a graveyard near Syracuse University where untold amounts of pot and opium were smoked, beers were drank, blowjobs were given and sex was had.

Translucent - A white person who is so white, that to call them a cracker or white-boy would simply imply they had too much soul.

U

Union - Cigarette break.

Uticageddon – Returning to Utica after having moved away some years ago.

V

Victory Lap – Name given to the feeling of invincibility you get when you’ve entered your last days in a school / city / job, and you are finally comfortable and cocky enough to do what you want, when you want because the end is near and soon it won’t matter. Involves such conditions such as being showered with accolades by your peers and superiors, partying till the break of day, finally (*and successfully) acting on your urge to express your secret crushes on numerous members of the opposite sex, blowing off responsibility and being wished well by every jealous party who isn’t currently taking the victory lap.

W

Warp Whistle – Something you do or ride or blow into when you quite speedily bounce from a bar, party or social gathering of any kind in order to arrive somewhere infinitely more awesome. Originates from how Mario and Luigi would skip or advance multiple levels.

Westport Book Club – Like a Hen House, but infinitely wealthier and more pretentious. Used to describe an awkward situation involving a bad ratio of blue-collar people to high-society socialites.

Wheel - The guy in the room whose soul desire is to look infinitely more important than he actually is. More accurately, the guy who believes he keeps things rolling. Tell-tale signs of “wheelism” include buying everyone he talks to a drink, talking about backstage appearances at concerts or VIP treatment at clubs, and an affinity for pastel-colored button-down shirts.

Wheelhouse – (Reverse of the Target Demographic) Women of a certain age, attractiveness, intelligence, status or proximity who realistically believe they could date / marry you.

Whitesnake Music Video / Warrant Music Video - Any bar located in a white trash town (see Whitetrashistan) where it looks as though the clientele are on the wrong side of 35 and dress to a certain aesthetic not seen since a Whitesnake or Warrant music video.

Whitetrashistan - Utica.
X (for insert any noun here)

X Airport, Diner and Oil Change / Tire Service / Smoke Shop - Any establishment that’s extremely small and backwoods. A general store is a great example, but also, so is Oneida County Airport.

X of the Decade - something that is superlatively awesome.

X: Y(Verb)’ing since Z(Year) - Snowcone meant to give someone or something a tagline, usually done pejoratively or sarcastically.
Y

Yao brao! (pronounced Yow-Brow)- Variant of Yo Bro. Culled from Avery, who answered his phone like this every day for about 18 months.

There were rumors swirling on the festival circuit this year, and the whispers grew into a roar.

“It’s been a while since we’ve seen Dave Matthews Band tour. Have we seen the last of them live?”

Fear not, lovers of 27-minute psuedo-jazz and opaque lyrics about getting it on while writing lyrics. The Dave Matthews Band have finally returned to the summer touring landscape for the first time since … last summer.

Fans are already lining up along the sidewalk pressing enter furiously in a blazing attempt to secure as many of the highly-coveted, ultra-scarce golden tickets as possible.

“I’ve been online since 6am,” confesses Connor Preston, 26, a Duke Law Student. “It’s been too long since they’ve taken their act on the road. I need the flamenco version of ‘Dancing Nancies’ to complete my live bootleg archive. And I would love to say I was there.”

Matthews has been contemplating a return to summer touring for the past month or so, but thought the time was right to bring his act back.

“Y’allknow wejust uhhhh tryin’ to make uhhhh the musics, y’a'know – and we reallyhappy to make it all workout for the kids by playing the songs we hope they’llenjoyyy for a bit y’all looking forward to it!” Matthews uttered while sounding like he was biting through an entire Boston Creme Donut.

The tour kicks off May 28 and runs through November of 2024.

Catch them while you can – because it could be a long while before this band of notoriously stage-shy recluses return again.

PHOENIX, Ariz. — Kurt Warner, he of cyborg-like accuracy and pious dignity, called it a career after 40 five years in the desert and 12 in the NFL.

The 38-year old quarterback called a presser to announce his retirement from football and the sport at which he never chose to give up, no matter how long the odds.

“ I’m excited about what lies in front of me. I’m excited about spending more time with my family, and seeing what God’s going to do next. ”

The Gospel of Kurt was born in 1999, as an angel was sent down from heaven to shatter Trent Green’s fragile body and immaculately conceive Warner’s career. He started every game that season, lifting the St. Louis Rams from nowhere to an unthinkable 13-3 record and dramatic Super Bowl victory.

Warner was named both regular season and Super Bowl MVP.

After racking up Tecmo Bowl numbers with the Rams in the “Greatest Show on Turf,” before being ostracized through injuries and fumbles – and after a briefly solid-yet-forgettable half-season with the New York Giants – Warner re-emerged in the desert, assuming command of a woebegone Arizona Cardinals franchise.

Warner’s redemption culminated in another Super Bowl appearance last season, falling just short of a win a year ago.

While there are no doubting Thomases remaining out there who won’t believe he can still play (his 5 touchdowns in the Epic Cardinals-Packers playoff tilt a testament to that), Warner probably leaves the game at the right time with his body and soul still in tact.

In just shy of eight complete NFL seasons worth of action, Warner accumulated some of the most spectacular numbers ever, let us testify:

- 65.5 percent% completion percentage

- 32,344 yards

- 208 touchdowns

- Warner and Fran Tarkenton are the only NFL quarterbacks to throw for 100 touchdowns and 14,000 yards for two teams.

-  Fastest player in NFL history to 10,000 yards passing and tied with Dan Marino as the fastest to reach 30,000.

- Has the top three passing performances in Super Bowl history.

- Broke his own 1999 record for most yards in a single postseason in 2008.

It wasn’t just the stats, cannon arm and robotic precision that made Kurt Warner one of the sport’s most beloved champions. The scripture  – both ancient and his own modern parable – was the real sizzle behind the steak.

Before the NFL, three seasons with the Iowa Barnstormers and one year in NFL Europe bookended a stint stocking the freaking shelves at a Kroger’s.

Warner made the Rams as a backup in 1998 at the tender age of 28, and the rest – as they say -  is verse.

Kurt continues to make headlines for his charitable foundation he runs with his wife, and for randomly – and anonymously – picking up the check for a selected  family each time his own goes out for dinner.

If scripture is fulfilled, the weekend should play out something like this:

It is said that Warner shall retire to a cross on a hill, where he will lay till Sunday.  Warner will then storm out onto Joe Robbie Pro Player Dolphins Stadium that evening, suiting up for the pro bowl.

He’ll pass for 216 yards and 3 TDs in a quarter-and-a-half before floating out of the stadium with his wife, carried by angels and virgins.

And he’ll wave, and he’ll smile, and Dick Vermeil will be off, somewhere, drinking the blessed sacrament, crying.

And we’ll all get a little misty-eyed, too.

If his life doesn’t become a Disney motion picture by 2014, I’m going to be surprised … and out $50,000.

Great player, better man. Kurt will be missed.

Gimmie an ‘Amen.’

MINNEAPOLIS – It’s been widely speculated that this winter, one of the coldest on record, has caused citizens of the Canadian Shield, Northeast and our nation’s heartland to become enraged.

Now, we see visual evidence of the toll this winter’s taken on our nation’s fragile psyche.

Thousands of protesters stormed a residential park just outside the Twin Cities Thursday afternoon to rally in support of global warming and wage war against continued eco-friendly legislation.

“It’s just disappointing,” says Michelle Bunson of Duluth (Pictured, Front Row, fourth from right). “I’ve been living up here all 32 years of my adult life, and all 32 years we’ve been told ‘The world is getting warmer,’ and all 32 years we’ve seen winters just like this.”

Record cold temperatures have stunned the nation’s mid-section and east coast since mid-November, bringing ice, cold, wind and snow.

“If climate change is coming,” Bunson continued, “It better get here quick. I’ll brush my car off before leaving for the store, and by the time I’m done grocery shopping, I need to brush my car off again. I just don’t have time for this anymore.”

During the 150-minute vigil, Protesters sprayed aerosol cans, lit tire fires and left their cars running in hopes of hastening human-caused damage to the environment.

“I signed here for a reason!” Screamed Adrian Peterson, Vikings running back and one of the few celebrities who braved the blustery chill. “I was speculating on it getting some 10 degrees warmer up here and enjoying a nice long summer, but not too hot for training camp! Had I known it woulda stayed this cold, I’da signed with New Orleans!”

Peterson then attempted to spray “AD 2010″ into the snow, but fumbled the bottle, squirting purple paint in his eye.

Despite the cold and tense political climate, many were in good spirits. Some drank chicken soup and hot cocoa from thermoses, while others staged snowball combat in the field.

Despite best efforts, the temperature actually dropped during the course of the rally from 14F to 11F degrees.  It is not known whether the protesters will gather again.

“I don’t know what else I can do.” Resigned Bunson. “I love Minneapolis. The mall. The sports. The green belt. I don’t want to have to leave, but if it doesn’t get warmer, how can I expect to find a husband through all this snow?”

Indeed. True love has no season, but it sure has a temperature – and it’s best kept at 72 and sunny.

The fall semester of this course was so immensely popular, we decided to offer it again in the spring. We hope you find this batch as entertaining and educational as a stroll through a moonlit alley.

At least once, you’ll make yourself late for work searching for your first set of keys while your spare set is hanging by the front door.

Everyone’s got one, so somebody really needs to come up with an accurately descriptive name for “that drawer in the kitchen with all the shit in it that doesn’t actually belong in the kitchen.”

What you find offensive today will likely be fashionable in five years, widespread in 10 and classic in 25.

When a girl says, “I don’t know, babe, it’s up to you” she really means, “It’s not up to you, I’m just checking to make sure you still have a working set of balls.”

The fine line between insanity and genius can be made clear by the answer to one simple question: Can this turn a profit?

All reasonably attractive women with a burning passion for sports are married by age 26. All reasonably attractive men without a burning passion for sports are probably in a commercially unsuccessful art-rock band by the same age.

Comedians are the biggest rip-off in entertainment. Save the $20. Buy your own bottle of vodka and invite your best friends over. You’ll laugh the same amount without having to pay a cover charge.

When people tell you, “Think for yourself!” They really want you to think more like they would, and less like whoever you currently think like.

The vast majority of people will irreversibly make up their mind about you within 15 seconds. However, for every additional second it takes, multiply that number by 10. That’s how long it will take you to effectively change their mind.

You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but you can probably assess with great accuracy it’s target demographic and whether you’re in it.

Only those who die young retain their beauty. The rest of us have to work on racing to develop a personality before the hard-wiring of our minds prevents us from doing so.

Ironically and literally are ironically the two most overused adverbs in the English language, literally.

On Facebook, everyone looks like they’re having more fun and achieving more success than you. Though they probably are … don’t worry about it. Just get really good at Photoshop.

Nearly every woman claims to still love at least one of their exes. Nearly every man claims to still want to make love to one of theirs. Ironically, these love interests literally never match.

The terrorists will always win if they’re willing to die for their beliefs. The civilized world can’t compete with that kind of passion. The playoffs are next week.

The hardest part in life isn’t finding success – it’s about remembering where you put it.

With each new improvement in communication technology, the durability of fame and power erode exponentially.

Men spend the rest of their lives trying to return to a place they spent the first nine months trying to leave.

WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats passed legislation Thursday to permit the government to write a check for $1.9 trillion of money that doesn’t yet exist.

The measure puts the projected national debt total at $14.3 trillion, or roughly the equivalent of the gross aggregate of all the money everyone in the United States will earn this year pre-tax.

But don’t you fret … there’s a calculated method to the monetary madness. The U.S. Government has a fool-proof plan to dig us out of debt quickly: By 2013, we’ll have printed enough fake paper value to purchase the sun.

Democrats pushed through and approved the measure by a 60-39 vote and celebrated wildly with champagne showers, hookers and 100% pure Colombian blow.

This bombastic increase in allowable debt allowed President Barack Obama the logistical green-light to reveal during last night’s State of the Union Address the true masterplan behind combating the cash shortfall.

“I know it’s been a rough decade for the American People. But I am here to inform you that help is on the way. Every man, woman and child need not worry for the rest of their lives about debts, deficits or credit scores lower than room temperature. We have decided to purchase our great celestial being, the origin of all life on this planet and giver of great Jersey Shore tans … we will buy the sun.”

Congress applauded and stood for eight minutes, fist-pumping wildly.

The plan constitutes a purchase of the sun for $32 trillion, to be payable by special delivery of a giant AmEx Black card in the shape of the Voyager satellite, which will make the 93 million-mile trek sometime in 2011.

After a 3-to-5 day waiting period, the satellite should explode in the sun’s oppressive heat, leaving a sunspot in the shape of a receipt, which will inform us the check has cleared and funding was approved.

The United States plans to reimburse itself by leasing out the sun’s rays to other countries at the rate of a $100 per diem per resident. Those who do not wish to pay will be subject to a sun “shut off” period, covering the non-compliant nations in total darkness and cold.

The United States is projecting to rescue itself out of debt by 2018, or at least kill off all of Sub-Saharan Africa within four years, about ten-times faster than pharmaceutical R&D departments previously had hoped.

“This is a great day for America,” Obama articulated. “Soon, we will once again rise to the top in prosperity. The sun will shine down upon us once again. Because it has to, or we’ll sell it to Canada and buy a better one.”

I’m glad you asked, son.

See, as you grow older, there’s going to be kids out there who will pressure you into different things, like stealing candy bars, recreational  cocaine abuse and European electro-pop. You listen to none of that noise; your ol’ man knows what he’s talkin’ about.

One thing the kids will try and make ya do, after you go to college and become old enough, of course – but probably before that – is drinkin’ beers. [*pops a bottle of Magic Hat #9*]

You see, son, the kids – when they first get that ol’ feelin’ to take a taste of that sweet nectar for the first time, they’ll start pressuring you into keg stands and shotgunning contests and a bunch of other nonsense that really takes away from the beer drinking experience. They’ll push you hard to drink clown beers like Ol’ Mil’, Coors Light and Keystone. Son, you have none of that. I didn’t raise no boy with no unrefined taste.

See, beer is to be savored. It’s a drink.  Unlike life, this drinkin’ business ain’t Hungry Hungry Hippos. You don’t win the game by drinking the most. You win by calmly sipping the icy cold suds as the sun beats down on your face in the summer time, and the ladies walk up to you and say, “Wow, I’ve never seen that before. What are you drinking?” Then you give them a sip. Always remember to share. It’s good character and starts conversations.

You’ll probably start out drinking some pilsners and lagers or some light ales. That’ll get the palette primed. You’ll drink those for a couple years before moving to some darker toasted lagers and some heavier and hoppier ales. And those will taste great for a while, too.

Then, when you’re finally ready, I’ll pour you your first stout or porter. You come back anytime when you’re ready, and I’ll keep something dark roasted and full-bodied in the fridge for you.

Once you’ve had that, and it’s OK for you, then you can drink anything I just mentioned. You’ve officially mastered the art of beer tasting.

Some people will knock you and call you a beer snob, but those are the same folks who drink Orange Juice from concentrate and wear baseball caps when they go out to dinner with a lady. You wouldn’t drink purple drank and you wouldn’t get into a fight just to pound somebody. That’s not who you are.

You’re going to grow up and be distinguished. You’ll be a gentleman. You must drink the part.

“Dad …”

Yes, son?

“I meant right now. I’m thirsty. May I have a glass of water?”

- originally published 3.24.2009 at The Love of Beer

Toyota suspended U.S. sales of its many, many popular vehicle models – including the Camry, the best-selling car in America.

The suspension comes as a result of some gas pedals are stickier than a used condom after honeycomb penetration, causing the cars to accelerate without warning – leading to improv drag races and the occasional crash or nine.

The world’s No. 1 automaker will halt production on eight models and at six assembly plants, presumably to find where the crazy-glue leak has sprung in floorboard manufacturing.

All told, the damage is expected to cost Toyota an estimated $60 billion in the U.S. alone.

Among those models deeply affected include RAV4, Corolla, Camry, Matrix, and Avalon. Clearly, this will adversely affect suburban soccer moms, who will now become once again shackled to the stove cooking elaborate organic meals instead of toodling around town carting their children to-and-fro from band practice and enjoying happy hour with their ‘girlies.’

The company’s impeccable reputation for safety and quality will be dealt a serious blow. Michigan auto workers are planning a ball drop and ticker-tape parade through downtown Detroit this Friday at noon.

“Imagine.” Proposes Jerry Swinson, 44, a Flint native and assembly line jockey. “Folks’ll be lining up all around buildings to buy themselves a 2010 Chevy Colbalt with all the fixins! No competition! We’ll be back in the black in no time!”

And with no clear end in sight, the good times continue to roll in domestic factory towns across America.

“We’ve been waiting for this my entire adult life!” Swinson rejoiced. “This is better than when I got my worker’s comp for pink eye. Union scored me a quarter-mil ‘coz I told ‘em it was a ‘welding accident.’”

And for Ford, General Motors and Chrysler, there will be plenty more opportunity for more ‘welding accidents’ in the 2010 fiscal year.

Toyota quality laid its first egg in two decades, and it’s a golden one.